I will never forget the cold day in February that shattered my world. In 2014, my grandmother passed from cancer on February 2nd. I remember walking into the apartment with my mother and seeing my grandfather who has Alzheimer’s was aimlessly walking around not knowing who my mom and I were. As I entertain my grandfather, my mom walks away to check on my grandmother since she was on hospice and we knew at any point she could be gone. As I hear the door open, I hear my mom gasp and say “oh my god” as I hear my mom cry I knew what happened. This memory still brings tears to my eyes and it’s been two years. I sit my grandfather down and run to the bedroom. As I look at the hospice bed, I see my grandmother peacefully laying there no longer alive. Not to mention, we realized we just missed her, as she was still warm. I remember calling my boyfriend devastated as I sat next to my grandmother refusing to leave her side.
Two years later on the same day and almost the same time, I received a call from my boyfriend that he didn’t want to hang out. I could hear in his voice that he wanted to tell me bad news and guess what? He did. He told me that he wanted time apart because he didn’t think our personalities were compatible and he didn’t want to continue to lead me on. Additionally, he said that he did not see a future with me – this was a five year relationship. How do you call someone over the phone to tell them that kind of news? I told him if he didn’t see a future with me then there is nothing left to discuss and we were done. As I started crying, I said so many things to him in anger. I can’t even remember what they were because I was in shock, and everything I knew was gone within a second. He told me he couldn’t hear me cry and that he had to get off the phone. His last words as he choked up were this is so hard; you are my best friend… Was that all I was to you? After 5 years, I was just your best friend? What about being “your whole world”? How could you stop fighting for me? As I look back, I never stopped fighting for him, and honestly, I would be the girl who settled for a guy because she was scared to be alone. Or maybe, I would have been somewhat happy knowing that I married my college sweetheart – My first love. Either way, was this a blessing in disguise? Did my grandmother help me? Was this a sign that it was on the same day? Maybe she is my angel and has better plans for my future. This could be her way of showing she is protecting me and steering me into a new direction. At least that is what I tell myself.
I am not ready to get into the details of how we met, our memories, and all the times we shared together. It will be 4 months in June of this breakup and I still feel like I am living in a nightmare. Not because I can’t move on, but because the plans I had for my future no longer exist. In fact, I can make my future whatever I want it to be and I find it the scariest thing that everything is unknown. The idea of moving in, engagement, marriage, and kids are no longer in my five year plan. Falling in love again isn’t even on my plan. I don’t know who I am or what I want, but I do know that I have never experienced pain the way I did from that phone call on February 2nd, 2016.
I met with my family minutes after crying, screaming, running, sitting, and anything else I could do to escape myself and feelings. I remember not being able to handle the pain, not believing this was over. Since he had done this to me 2 years prior, maybe he would get back to me like he did the last time (last time he said he couldn’t live without me and came back after a week). This time, I still have not heard from him. As I went on to social media he had already blocked me on all social media sites and started deleting my friends and family. This all happened so fast that I didn’t even know how to process it. Every morning I would wake up feeling like it was groundhogs day, a constant reminder that I was broken up with and alone. The pain was insane. I couldn’t bare it, and I can still feel it from time to time. When they say time heals, they really mean it. It’s the thoughts in your head that never seem to go away…
The day after this event, I immediately called psychologists and scheduled multiple appointments to find one that I could click with. I wanted to ensure I found one that was hands on and could really get through to me. I ended up finding one – her name is Heather. I also got into meditation because I was desperate and needed to find some kind of spirituality or religion. I just needed something. I called and called, and found Nancy. I paid over $500 for her services but she helped me get through all the dark snowy nights. She would help me reprogram my brain to think positive and happy. She would show me cards that speak of my future and how it will be. She spoke to me about energy and how being 26 and starting this young will allow me to produce energy that will attract the right people in my life. And boy, she was right. I dropped my best friend a month after the breakup because of how terrible she was to me. I also met some better people that are still in my life today. Nancy also spent time with me because she has been in my shoes. It was never about the money, it was about her wanting to show me love. Because of her I felt happy and at peace. I felt hope that there are good people out there. I felt relief that I can start over.
As I push myself every day to move forward, I find myself still recovering from the pain I experienced. I almost feel burnt out. Like there is no care left in me to give. What is the worst that could happen? Didn’t it already happen? Or, should I count my blessings and be happy that I have my shit together for 26 and that I just got my master’s degree all while going through this? Am I depressed? Is 4 months long? Does a guy really influence your life this much that life has to be boring and blah? Why can’t I be content with me and realize that life is amazing even though it is JUST ME.
I am doing things I have always wanted to do – I think. I got a tattoo in a spot that I always wanted (my ex told me I could never handle the pain so I couldn’t do it), I booked a yoga/meditation retreat in the Bahamas, I see my friends every weekend, and I make sure I have enough alone time that I can find the best possible me.
Another milestone for me was that I went to a wedding two weeks ago… The first wedding I went to single. As I dance the night away realizing that life isn’t bad, I start feeling OK with me and being alone. I look at my friends with their husbands and boyfriends and they seem held back. Like they really can’t enjoy and live the life they want to live because of their significant other. While I felt uncomfortable dancing alone, I continued to do it because I need to be my own best friend and I need to have my own fun. I guess my actual best friend who has been with me during this whole process saw this, and pulled me outside. As we held streamers (so romantic), she told me I was her inspiration and her role model. That she could never do what I did and do. To stay strong, happy, and positive in a situation that literally killed me. She tells me that she watches me as I light up a room and she sees how people look at me. She tells me how attracting I am to her because she could never be like that. For the first time in my life, I felt idolized. I was someone’s hero. I tear up because I realized there are so many other relationships to be thankful for. You can still feel worth and love in family, friends, and pets. It doesn’t have to be a guy. It is just hard adapting to life without your other half.
To be continued…