I heard this song today called “Let Go” by Katie Herzig, and it made me realize how lucky I am that I have now matured enough to understand, relate, and agree with these lyrics rather than being afraid of their implications about falling in love.
The songs states:
“You might find love
It might find you
It might take every piece of you
It takes your breath
It takes your heart
It can take your world apart
To let you go
It takes my soul…
But I’ll take pain to know this love
To feel alive
To feel enlightened
I would rather take the fall
Than to never love at all
I’ll take pain to know this love”
In my early 20’s, I would have listened to this song and said to myself, I would rather NOT take the fall than to never know love at all. I think I’ll just hang out and enjoy life and not put myself in a situation that could wreck me and break my heart.
If I was really being honest with myself, I would have recognized that this was my fear talking. I didn’t think I was strong enough to recover from a broken heart. I didn’t really want to take the risk. So, as we tend to do sometimes, I covered up this fear and I made myself think that I had some all-knowing “gut instinct” that I was only going to fall in love once. If you only fall in love once, you never have the opportunity to get hurt, right? Presumably, this person you fall in love with is with you for the duration, right?
So, in my 20’s, I believed that all of my relationships prior to finding “the one” were just learning experiences. They were chapters that would make up a book, (hopefully an entertaining one) of my dating experiences. That’s not to say I didn’t truly care for these people or that I didn’t whole-heartedly try to be a good girlfriend. I just knew somewhere along the way that they probably weren’t the right one, and I maintained a certain amount of distance that would protect me from getting too close. Some of my boyfriends would get frustrated with me. One of them thought that I was a commitment phobe and not so kindly suggested that I might have “daddy issues.”
Then, just as I knew I would, I met a person who felt like “the one” to me. It was easy and simple. I didn’t employ any of my tactics to protect my feelings. I just felt the way I felt, and then I acted on it. He did the same. It worked out for a long time and it solidified my belief that my gut instinct was right with this one. I didn’t have daddy issues. I wasn’t a commitment phobe. I wasn’t scared. I just simply knew better. My gut told me to wait on the right person and I did. I’m only going to fall in love once! Yeah!
Well, I was wrong. My beliefs and my perceptions and my “gut instincts” were all wrong. I fell in love and it fell apart.
But, I was wrong about something else too.
I was strong enough to deal with the fallout. I survived. It was a painful, torturous process where the emotional roller coaster that becomes your life feels unbearable to ride for even one more day. But eventually, it gets less bumpy with fewer unexpected turns, and you survive.
I write this on a good day. Tomorrow, I might be less optimistic.
But either way, good day or bad, my opinion isn’t changing.
I’m glad I found love, and unlike my 20-year-old self, I wouldn’t trade in the experience to avoid the pain.
I realize now that was just my fear talking…
