By Monique Lewis
I don’t really know how to start this off but I feel like I need to do something to get things off my chest I use to write in my journal but I don’t know I got tired of doing that and eventually I just stopped but thanks to my internship (WHIL) I got motivated to just write about everything that’s on my mind right now. So, I recently just ended my first real relationship like almost a month ago, technically we were going out for three months (before he broke up with me) then after that it was just a year almost two years of mind games, emotional games and everything.
Let’s go back into time for min I met my ex in elementary school we had what people call “puppy love” he was my very first boyfriend before he moved out of state when we were in the 5th grade over the years we would contact one another through social media (when it was evolving) but he was always in the back of mind I never stopped thinking about him finally in 2014 we reconnected and we met up in person I didn’t really know how to feel I was just nervous and excited because this was the only guy that liked me for me who thought I was so pretty and so smart and plus I haven’t seen him since I was a 5th grader. I was 20 years old when we finally saw each other for the first time and it was like nothing has changed my heart was racing so fast I was sweating like a pig I didn’t know what to do but to be happy.
After meeting each other for the first time we started going on dates we went on two dates and he was holding me and kissing me and my emotions were going crazy I was falling for him quick fast and in a hurry I didn’t know how to control myself and my emotions next thing I know were together I was so happy I never had boyfriend before like never I was still a virgin at 20 years old I didn’t know how to act like a girlfriend I didn’t get much practice growing up I introduced him to my friends, my family I was so happy to finally have the person I been thinking about since I was little girl.
Almost a month has passed and I gave my ex the most precious thing to me my virginity I cared so much about virginity I took it very seriously I know some people will say “if it was so important to you why did you give it up so easy and quick?” The answer to that is just one word LOVE I fell so hard for my ex it was like too quick at that time I was so in love with him that I was willing to do anything and give him everything I wanted to give him my all and give him every piece of me and I did and me being naïve and still having that little girl inside of me I thought that he would do the same it was almost scary how fast I fell in love with him but at the time I didn’t care I loved him with everything I had and at the same time I thought he loved me with everything he had.
3 months into our relationship I was still on cloud 9 while he was cloud get the hell out of here he broke up with me I was wondering if it was me did I do something wrong? Are you not attracted to me anymore? Basically I wanted to fix the problem and get back together so I changed myself I started catering to him I started changing my outlook on things I started basically being his slave (it sounds a little dramatic but it’s true) when he said jump I jumped he had me whipped so bad I couldn’t think straight there were time where I thought I needed him around just so I can breathe and be level headed in a way he was like my drug I couldn’t stop every time he called me I answered I waited on him hand and foot if he needed money I was giving it to him if he needed new clothes or a skateboard I was giving it to him if he needed gas money food anything I was giving it to him including sex (which confused me even more about where we stood)
As the months went on my ex treated me like complete shit he only wanted me around when he needed something and I started to catch on but I didn’t say anything I just kept letting him use me I don’t know why I let him do that he just had such a hold on me I wasn’t myself I felt like this negative cloud was always over me I felt very dark dark energy was definitely around me you could feel it I felt it a lot when I was hanging out with my ex especially when we would have sex the aftermath of it was so dark I can’t explain it but I didn’t care about that I was STILL willing to push that aside for him.
Towards the end of our “relationship” my ex hit on my friends twice basically left me for his ex and made me feel like complete shit my ex never physically abused me but emotionally and verbally he did one time he talked about my weight with such disgust that it made me think about starving myself and becoming anorexic he made me feel the lowest of the lows like the ground was better than me he made me feel like I was the crazy one, the stupid one, the broke one, the ugly one “I’m probably the nicest guys you would ever meet because I speak the truth” that’s what he always used to say to me one time he sat me down in my kitchen and tried to have this therapist talk with me like asking me “what is wrong with you” “are you okay” “why are you the way you are” all I could do was cry I cried in front of him like a little baby because I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me he was completely in my head, my thoughts, my emotions and he knew it and he played me like a violin every chance he got and he did it pretty well.
I finally came to my senses one day after he forgot my birthday once again I stopped being his slave I stopped waiting on him hand and foot and I started focusing on me and that’s when he started calling me and texting me and popping up at my house asking for second chance saying everything he should have said almost TWO years ago I looked at him straight in the face and I told him no for the first time I told him no I didn’t say “let me think about it” or “okay but we need to start all over” I actually told him no and I felt so good and proud of myself because that was the first time I stood up for myself I actually did something that I wanted to do without thinking about how my decision would affect him because honestly I didn’t care at that point I was completely done with him I had nothing more or less to say to him yes I was still a little weak by looking at him but I didn’t fall into my weakness.
Now I’m here everything he did to me is still scared in my brain and in my heart I’m still trying to find ways to heal from it walking away and leaving my first love was so hard for me it’s still hard sometimes but I know I deserve way better than that and he isn’t the last person that I would fall in love with I was thinking everyone in this world wants love we need love to survive but it’s the kind of love we chose to receive and give that puts us in dangerous situations or wonderful situations people believe they deserve the love they get but is it really love if it’s one sided? Is it love if it’s just one person receiving love but not giving it back? And most importantly is it love if it’s abusive? These are things we need to ask ourselves when we say or the words “I love you” love is many beautiful things but it’s never unhappy and painful.
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