If I brought you to a bar and challenged you to flirt with the first person that caught your attention, could you do it? Would you be able to get his/her number? If you’re nodding “no,” you’re not alone.
It takes a special set of skills and a special frame of mind to kick ass at this important element of the dating process. Many have become so reliant on online dating apps where you flirt with your fingers and hide behind a screen for rejection protection that people have completely forgotten the art of charm and the importance of flirting.
People aren’t mind readers. If you want to let someone know you’re interested, you need to learn how to successfully flirt. So, just in time for The Love Ball [NS1] (I hope you’re all making an appearance), here is a crash course on some of the flirting fundamentals geared to helping you land your next mate, or at least someone awesome for the night.
I made this number one because it’s the most important. If you can master this, then you can flirt with anyone in any room successfully. You NEED to feel confident before you even set foot in a room and start flirting with people. Put on your best clothes, and spray your best cologne or perfume, and get in the right mental state. You are a rock star and anyone you choose to flirt with is the luckiest guy or girl in the room. Confidence is key because if your flirtations are coming from a stressed-out place of fear or embarrassment, the person you’re trying to entice will be turned off. A confident person walks, talks, and engages in a completely different, and more appealing way than a self-conscious person. Finding confidence is hard for everyone sometimes, but when you think you’re awesome, everyone else does too. Now, go kick ass. You’ve got this.
The 4 Second Stare:
Now that you’re mentally prepared, try the most powerful flirting technique of them all, “The 4 Second Stare.” This involves making eye contact with someone you’re interested in and holding their gaze for a few seconds. Pair the infamous 4 Second Stare with a flirty smile, and watch your target suitor melt at your feet. It may feel weird the first few times you do it, but solid eye contact helps create that smoldering sexual tension you need to build a connection. It’s so powerful that there are many scientific studies that claim if you look in someone’s eyes long enough, you can actually fall in love. This is my favorite flirty technique, and I can personally attest to the power of this one.
Touch and Tease:
Touch is one of the most important tools in your arsenal. Don’t get too ahead of yourself though—make sure it’s the right kind of touch. Focus on light, flirty gestures that further build your connection. Lay your hand on someone’s shoulder or lightly brush his or her arm. These small moments of touch send positive signals to the person you’re interested in without being too aggressive, and they still leave a lot of space to create sexual tension. Teasing is also a good way to connect with someone to see if your chemistry matches up. Both women and men like the tension that teasing creates when it’s well executed.
Talk AND Listen:
There’s one vital piece that people seem to often miss. We’ve gotten so dependent on dating apps and conversing behind protective screens and profile photos that many of us have forgotten how to actually have a meaningful interaction with someone in person. This doesn’t entail a five second conversation where you drop a pick-up line and try to coerce someone into a sexy, dark corner. This is about generating an honest conversation where you find out what you have in common, or what the person actually cares about in life. Ask a person about his/her job, hobbies, or travel stories. You could also ask more detailed questions like “What made you want to get into that industry?” This is a great type of question because it’s not too intrusive, while still going one layer deeper than the normal “what do you do for a living” question. People like to talk about how they became passionate about their career. If they hate their job, they will likely tell you that too, and then you can ask something like, “What’s your real passion in life?” Just remember to actually listen to the answers and authentically engage with the person. You’re not playing a game of 20 questions; you’re trying to generate a real conversation. So relax and let the conversation flow.
Just Do You:
Let’s be honest; as much as we want our flirty first encounters to be like Serendipity—complete with a swell of romantic music and suave dialogue, most really contain all the initial f*ckups of Love Actually. When you stumble on your flirty adventures, you have to embrace the awkward moments. Giggle at your failed pick-up lines, comment on the glass you just broke, point out the awkward silence that descended from a lengthy pause. Being able to find the humor in these moments circles back around to that confidence thing. Most daters are attracted to people who are confident enough to laugh at themselves. Brush off any weirdness by addressing it and move on. More than likely, this will ease some of the uncomfortable tension and pressure that flirting often creates, and it will allow you to actually get to know the other person.
And, at the end of the day, isn’t that the whole point of all of this dating hoopla? You want to find someone who knows you and loves you just for who you are. In order to give yourself the best shot at love, you’ve got to work your confidence and find your flirtatious mojo.
This piece was originally written for Millionaire Matchmaker’s David Cruz’s website, Finding Cupid. Check out more of my relationship advice and stories here.
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